The following paragraph is quoted from a local college newspaper. It appeared in the He Said, She Said column, which gave its readers advice on dating and sex. The gendered topic at hand is... Relationships and Sex
“I’m tired of hearing of girls sleeping with men immediately upon meeting them and wondering ‘Why doesn’t he call?’ If you find that rare man that you would consider dating, the worst thing you can do is sleep with him… Men don’t coin the easy girls they take home from downtown as their girl-they want a lady… Prove your worth and make him prove he is not just selling you the dream of sincerity and honesty. Selling the dream is a man’s game. Let wearing a chastity belt be ours.” (Female Editor, He Said She Said Column)
I confess I actively indulge a long list of self-persecutory fantasies. I hold myself accountable for all sorts of things-war on Iraq, Clinton’s publicized libido, Romeo and Juliet dying, the objectification of women-things that could never be traced back to me, but that’s just part of the conspiracy. After dealing with all of this, there’s not a lot of time left to flog myself for other imagined faults; and even if there were time, it wouldn’t be fruitful to waste it blaming myself because a guy I slept with didn’t call me. I’m not alone in thinking that a guy’s choices say more about his character than mine, but when a guy splits, our mommies, daddies, popular magazines, and movies are always there to tell women it’s our fault. Worst of all, these social educators and gender preservatives assume that we will listen to advice that holds women personally responsible for relationships no matter how high the cost because they also assume that a healthy woman’s only motivation behind dating and sex is to “keep him coming back for more.” There are entirely too many people wrapped up in our sex lives.
This sort of advice probably sounds reasonable because for lifetimes women have been taught that it’s our job to keep men interested, as if there were some shortage of things to be interested in. The sad thing isn’t that guys lose interest once you have sex with them, it’s that one night stands are rarely, if ever, as enjoyable as the imagination that conceived them. I have my emotions, but I, along with a lot of the women I know, don’t have any regrets about the guys who have vanished from our call logs. They are, in fact, some of our dearest jokes. But even if we don’t care, we can trust that our ancestors and cultural informants care. And most of all, Cosmo cares. Cosmo, modern day Sadistic Madame, would say it is because we are not up on the month’s latest “Sex Tricks that Will Keep Him Coming Back for More” or “Five Games You Must Play to Meet and Keep Him”.
Suitors may not be the most believable scrolls out there, and even if they were, it wouldn’t be a good idea to hand female sexuality over to an age of manipulations, games, and, errr, chastity belts. I’m afraid locking up our sexuality is a bit reactionary for a generation of women who can realistically access their own genitalia and make their own decisions regarding sex, emotion, and finances. Instead of waking up, looking in the mirror, and imagining what we look like through a man’s eyes, we can base our actions on our own desires. This kind of independence has earned many women labels like dyke, slut, and bitch, but these identities are lost on women who trust themselves because these stigmas rely on a very old notion of what a “lady” is. When I call to mind the historical image of a lady, she does come with chastity belts. This is because chastity belts are tools of control and a “lady” is someone who is under control: well-behaved, respectful of tradition, deferent, and in dire need of a man to unlock her sexuality.
It’s not revolutionary to tell women that the only way a guy will stay interested is if she has power over him and that her only vehicle of power is her body as a sex object. Exchanging sex for commitment is as old as the western history of romance and is therefore built into the assumptions and expectations that our psyches bring to the dating scene. Whether we are obedient or not, we are all affected by them. However, basing a relationship on “when to give it up” limits the options that women and men have to a series of games. As the “She Said” article states, relationships become a game of sales and chastity belts. For the players, there are two possible outcomes-winner or loser or conqueror and conquest. There is love for the game, but this is not the same as love for the opponent. More often, the result is confusion, or a guy who thinks that love is the same as ownership because a woman’s body is what he got in return for his commitment. In the end, though, no one can predict postcoital dynamics.
It may sound like I’m recommending rampant sex, but what I’m really saying is that a woman can make a decision based on her own desires. There are plenty of good reasons not to have sex with a guy, but what he’ll think of you isn’t one of them. On a warm enough day, there are plenty of guys who are attractive enough, and sometimes it’s hard to decide. But there are alternatives to basing the decision on whether he’ll stick around. For example, the question I ask myself most often is whether I would want to be vulnerable with this person. And I’m not saying this because I’m a girl and sex makes girls vulnerable-it makes guys vulnerable, too. I can see it dragging in the dust behind them, along with their broken promises and shattered egos. But more to the point, would I really want to be naked next to his fart jokes, tit comments, and other behaviors that he thinks make him manly? This never fails to narrow it down. It also helps me spot posers, the guys out there doing it for sport who pretend they’re starring in a porn, and would pump away like they’re doing me a favor. But even these guys aren’t regrettable. In fact, these are the guys who need the most practice-they don’t have the awareness necessary to make a one night stand a truly enjoyable endeavor. What I know is that if you sleep with a guy, no matter when or where or in what position, it’s not your fault if he doesn’t stick around. It’s also up to you if you want to sleep with a guy without big emotional claims. I would surely rest easier if Romeo and Juliet could have done it without getting married. They might have even lived to tell the tale.
